Hermione Granger and the Quest for a Soul Mate
by Pepper Finn
Summary: Hermione & Draco/Harry/Cedric/Krum/Sirius/OC in an epic & lusty love story of Romeo and Juliet magnitudes. Example for Pepper Finns "Worst Story Ever" challenge. Disclaimer: I take no responsibilty for the following: melted eyeballs, nausea, uncontrollable laughter, head spins from plot twists or death by boredom. Please make sure your insurance covers these. PS I suks @ sumariez


Please read this story again with the mentioned songs playing to see if it changes your perception.

"I feel the Earth move" by Carol King

"Heaven" by DJ Sammy & Yanou Feat. Do

"Crazy in Love" Beyonce

"Heart of Glass" Blondie

"Venus" by Bananarama

"Yesterday" by The Beatles

"There Must Be An Angel" by The Eurithmics

"Endless Love" By Lionel Ritchie and Diana Ross

 _September 1998 (just before Hermione turns 19 and becomes, like,_ _ **officially**_ _old and unattractive forever!)_

 _~ Your omnipotent POV ~_

It was the first night sharing the heads dorm and Hermione was waiting impaitently outside the bathroom. Draco had been in the shower for the better part of half and hour and she needed to wash her newly made-over mahogany hair and apply her new 40 minute long beauty regimine before bed time.

"Malfoy!" She called again, pounding on the door.

Just then the door gave way and swung open, revealing a steam filled room which obscured Draco from the waist down in the shower. Hermione was so taken in by his lumicent, gloriously taut and rock hard body that she didn't immediately notice his silvery orbs glistening with tears.

"I'm just a sensitive, arrogant, womanising, haunted, insanely hot and wealthy pureblood. No one could ever love me." Draco wailed to himself in the shower as he shut off the water.

" _I_ love you." Hermione said before she could stop herself.

Draco finally seemed to be aware of her presence and quickly grabbed a towel to preserve the rating of this story.

"Oh Hermione, I've loved you so long. Everytime I called you mud-blood I was really saying how much I love you." He whispered "And every other girl in Hogwarts I slept with, I pretended it was you. I love you Mud-blood 'Mione."

Overcome by this sudden declaration and explanation, Hermione threw herself into Dracos arms, swept away by the endless yearning and love she had felt for him since learning he was sensitive 30 seconds ago. Their lips met in an epic and earth shattering kiss that culminated in her hands tracing over Adonis-like, sculpted muscles and him exploring all of the curves in right places she had (while from somewhere unknown "I feel the Earth move" by Carol King was mysteriously playing.)

They slept afterward. Curled in each others arms and whispering sweet nothings to each other on the bathroom floor, so glad that at long last they found their true soul mate as "Heaven" by DJ Sammy & Yanou Feat. Do started playing from the same perfectly audible, unseen location.

"Good night M-b M." Draco whispered his new pet name to Hermione, his hands lost in her chocolate hair as loud club music blared around him.

"Nighty-night, P-b D." She replied, before closing her deep-brown limpid pools to dream of his icy eyes to the kicking bass line.

 _~ You are puzzled by non-sensical nick names which the author will never explain and the location of this mysterious, innapropriate music.~_

The next morning Hermione was blissfully happy as she headed to the great hall, Beyonces "Crazy in Love" following her ever step and random wall / corridor dance move while she was inexplicably soaking wet. Upon arriving she stood up, tossed her toffee coloured tresses and announced to everyone "I am in love with Draco Malfoy! He is my Romeo and I am his Juliet, a comparison most of you won't get not being muggle-borns!"

Ron and Harry looked aghast. "Hermione I love you, don't be Malfoys girl! Be mine!" Ron wailed.

"Hermione I trust your judgement, especially since yesterday you turned up your birth certifciate revealing you are really the love child of Snape and Mrs Zabini. Your pure-blood makes you super awesome. If you weren't soul mates with Draco, I'd make out with you right now." Harry blabbered.

"Oh wow! Hermione did you make love with Malfoy? That is so cool!" Ginny gushed. "I mean I made out with him this morning right after I made out with your half brother and he is so amazing!" Ginny shouted, loud enough for the whole school to hear.

Hermione stiffened in shock (And not just because Blondies "Heart of Glass" had started playing loudly turning the Great Hall into a 70s esque disco) and started hysterically weeping, unable to wipe away her tears from her caramel coloured peepers, due to the tightness of her top and her skirt being so short she would reveal her underwear to everyone if raised her arms higher than her waist. Grabbing Harrys hand she rushed out of the great hall.

Finding a nearby empty classroom (the strains of "Venus" by Bananarama following them) she and Harry proceded to make out and quickly go further. Despite Hermione being a virgin less than 12 hours ago, she had become an impressive and skilled lover.

"Wow. And I thought Ron was good. I mean... uh Ginny." Harry said afterwards, while stroking her gloriously long, honey hued hair.

"You and Ron? How could you Harry! You knew I liked him until yesterday!" Hermione hysterically wept again, her oak brown eyes misting over, before cursing him with a combination bird / pimple spell leaving Harry with singing feathery pimples spelling the word "Jerk" across his face.

Running away again she headed out into the grounds, determined not to see anyone until the masquerade ball later that night. (The sounds of "Yesterday" by The Beatles shadowing her every move). She already had a kicking costume picked out that would make the most of her newly made over body, drastically lower her IQ 50 points and make everyone, boy or girl at Hogwarts fall in love her.

On her walk she came across the new and perfect exchange student making snow angels while magicking presents for orphans in Africa, the sun shimmering in her golden hair. (She is not a perfect Mary-Sue insert. I repeat, she is NOT the authors perfect characterisation of themselves) After a moment watching her, Hermione decided she needed a new best friend as Ginny had stolen her guy and so had Harry. And she could never hook up with Ron after he called her that name and she didn't want Harry or Lavender's seconds.

"Oh, hello. I did not zee you zere." The new girl spoke softly in a French accent.

"Thats ok. Do you want to be my bestfriend? My two previous ones turned out to be man stealers and one of them is a guy." Hermione asked boldly.

"Why sure, darling, I'd love to. Whats your name anyway?" She drawled in a Texan accent, tossing her midnight black hair.

"Oh! That's a good idea!" Hermione exclaimed. "I guess I should know your name since you are my bestfriend."

"Aye, me name is Mystique-Opheilia-Rainbow Original-Noob. But call me by me initials." Came her strong Irish accent as she twisted her auburn tresses around her fingers.

"Ok, M-o-r-o-n, I'm Hermione or 'Mione or Hermy. Let's get dressed for this party!"

Heading up to the dorm the two girls giggled, painted nails, had a pillow fight in their underwear, played truth or dare and made out before putting the finishing touches to their outfits.

"Oh 'Mione! You look wunderbah!" Came M-o-r-o-n's German accented reply as she finshed plaiting her purple hair.

Hermione giggled and twirled in her impressively cut, skin tight, expensive dress. "You look great too, Mor-Mor." Using her new pet name for her best friend. "Shall we?"

On the way down to the hall Hermione stoped at the doors and gave her super charged time turner a whirl. In no time at all she was back at the Yule Ball and grabbed both Cedric and Krum and whisked them back with her. Once she had returned with them she travelled even further back and grabbed a 17 year old Sirius Black and brought him with her.

 _"There. Now I am dating / hooking up with someone who will hurt all the other people who hurt me. But where is Mor-Mor?"_ Hermione said to herself.

Spotting the back of Mystique-Ophelia-Rainbow green hair as she was snogging with her new half brother, Hermione decided to leave it and enter with her new dates. As she entered the hall, held aloft by her dates, Cleopatra style, the hall became silent, even the iPod paused for her entrance.

Rons ears went bright red as he saw Krum. Ginny (who had had the biggest crush on Cedric before well, you know) shot Hermione daggers and Harry was freaking out at seeing his godfather again and watching him snog his best friend.

Ron instantly went up and started a fight with Krum, resulting in Ron getting his ass kicked and having to be taken to the hospital wing and Krum walking off to the dorms with Rons date, Lavender.

 _Hmm. I guess neither of them are my soul mate_. Hermione thought to herself. _That leaves me with Cedric, Harry, Draco and Sirius._

Harry had brought Cho Chang as his date and she was busy fighting Ginny for his attentions before a cat fight ensued, leaving the guys to cheer as they slapped, scratched and ripped each others clothes. Finally Cedric separated the two girls semi dressed girls and handed Ginny off to Harry before heading out to the gardens with Cho.

 _Great! My soul mate is either Draco or Sirius._

Music started and Hermione took to the dancefloor, shaking and gyrating up a storm to the techno dance music. All eyes were on her but only one set of hands. The hands covered her soft brown eyes as a voice whispered "Guess who?"

"My soul mate?" Hermione ventured.

"If thats what you want."

Silently casting a spell, the mystery man blindfolded Hermione and continued to dance with her, switching from modern club dancing to tango, waltz, salsa, cha-cha and swing. Despite never having done a single dance lesson, Hermione was graceful and sensual as she was pulled across the dancefloor.

At long last the mystery man pulled her outside into the garden, Hermione still blindfolded. ("There Must Be An Angel" by The Eurithmics sounding from the mysterious somewhere.) Her heart was thumping as she knew this was the one she had waited all her life for, this was her true soul mate about to kiss her. Her life up until this point having no real meaning, not even defeating Voldemort meant anything. She was only complete as someones pretty, vapid wife.

"Hermione, you are amazing. I've never met someone like you. Will you marry me?" He asked.

"Yes! Of course! But can I see who you are?"

"Kiss me first, then we can plan our wedding."

Hermione nodded as a hand softly cupped her face and kissed her like there was no tomorrow.

"Ok. Now you can look."

Slowly removing her blindfold, Hermione gasped in surprise and delight.

"Oh wow! My soul mate is..." Hermiones reply was cut off by the start of more music from the hall, specifically "Endless Love" By Lionel Ritchie and Diana Ross which like, totally fit the moment LOLZ.

The Dark Lord smiled down at Hermione and started to waltz with her. It was a perfect and romantic moment.

"But _how_ did you ever survive?" Hermione asked, her choclate pools wide with surprise.

"By a long convoluted reason, but if you want the details..." Voldemort drawled

"Oh yes! Please tell me!" Hermione cried, her amber looking orbs shining with curiosity.

"Even if it cuts into our snogging time?"

"Good point! Make it quick then lets get married and make out!"

"Well when Harry told me to try for remorse, I looked around and saw you. You were the one thing I'd regret leaving behind. So my soul reformed but when Harry hit me with the curse, part of me latched onto Neville Longbottom, who the prophecy was really about. I somehow got a new body and came back for you. And since you're a pureblood, I have no qualms being with you. So here I am. Let's go make out!"

"Way ahead of you, baby! Let's go Lord Snuggle Bunny." Hermione exclaimed.

And with that Lord Voldemort swept Hermione "mud-blood" Granger-Zabini-Snape into his arms and they flew away into the night.

~ Meanwhile in that mystical place beyond the curtain ~

Bellatrix watched as the Dark Lord and Hermione flew off together and was extremely puzzled and annoyed.

"What ever does he see in her?" She complained loudly, tossing her wild, midnight hair.

"She is the perfect "yin" to his "yang" energy, Trixie-Bell. Just like you are for me."

"I guess you just can't help who your soul mate is can you, Dumby?" Bellatrix whispered, tangling her hands through Dumbledores lumiscent and majestic beard.

And as they kissed, (at the very same instant that Hermione and Voldemort kissed) in a distant room in the Ministry of Magic, a little glass orb glowed blue as its propechy was completed.

 _When a story is written that makes no sense_

 _and is filled with random non-sensical events_

 _Couples will form with no reason or logic_

 _New and previously unthought of ships_

 _The world as you know it never the same_

 _thanks to this story so lame._

 _My wages will go up, Yipee!_

 _For true predicition number three._

 _The End_

Authors note

Isn't this awesomely awful? This is the kind of stuff I am looking for in the "Worst Story EVER" contest. Plot all over the place, characters who only share a name with their cannon counterparts, ridiculousness and fun to the extreme. Make me and the other contestants laugh our donkeys off.

You don't have to do romance. Do an action scene, a murder mystery, sci-fi origin story... whatever takes your fancy. Just look at it and go "How can I make this worse? More over the top? Get a laugh form a serious bit? Do what any good writer knows **NOT** to do?"

Remember you are trying to make the written equivalent of a Nickleback song - palatable but shameful to admit enjoying. When in doubt ask yourself - what would Tommy Wiseau do?


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